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And not just solo, but really-really-really-want-to-be-in-a-relationship-crazy-obsessed-single-gal. It hasn’t always been a pretty experience for me, and for several years, I’d find myself completely...

Read more Who hasn’t tossed and turned in bed the night before a big date trying to account for all the things that could go wrong?

But your humbs narrator is still kicking his ubiquitous red cup o’ Night Train, munching on tasty Hostess products whenever possible, raising two little HCs, and staring at the world cockeyed and bemused, or maybe more bleary eyed and vaguely nauseous. I don’t just mean this pic of Zach and his Bro, K-Whizz greasing up on Marissa as if her derriere is hosting a bake sale featuring a trenbolone sandwich. Yes, even douchier than these spectacular meatwads.

But still keepin’ on as best I can in a world of too many Aryan crypto-Nazi movie stars named Chris and not nearly enough Madchen Amick. In four days a tangerine uvula will spittle across our collective national identity like an angry, castrated llama gnawing on a Jolly Rancher. You have given in to the dark forces of greasy pec butt fondle spikewank. But the time for mock has never been more important. It’s like a fourth grade purple nurple delivered by Timmy Flynn to poor Gavin Mac Garninkle mated with a greased up Arizona cactus and then that hybrid being vomited up a Poltergeist II tequila worm, only to see that purple cactus worm vomit hybridity coalesce into human form just to pinch Victoria’s tooter.

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